July 1, 2010
Ministry of Nature
Department of Crabs, Spiders, and Octopuses
Arachnid Detailing Division
Dear Sirs and / or Madams,
Recently there has been an influx of spiders in the region of Mendocino County (Northern California, North America) which do not conform to spider coloration regulations. Enclosed are some photos which depict this nonconformity.
As per regulations set forth since the dawn of humanity in folklore, legend, and myth, spiders should be some variant of the colors black, grey, or brown. They should be menacing, frightful, creeping harbingers of doom. They should NOT look like they would look nifty airbrushed onto the back of a skateboard.
I have every expectation that this error will be corrected post-haste. I suspect that the problem stems from some disgruntled prankster or crank who thought it would be clever to make spiders look stunning and elegant rather than horrifying. He should be fired at once.
Very truly yours,