My friend Crystal is a stonemason. Which means she gets to sandblast epitaphs into tombstones like this one.
Here rests Ellen Shannon
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
By the explosion of a lamp
Filled with “R.E. Danforth’s
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid.”
The amount of live effort it takes to memorialize a dead person is astonishing.
Harry Edsel Morrison
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
To see if the car
Was on the way down.
This is a stencil for a man who wanted a tombstone that preserved his memory alongside that of his cat, LuLu. Besides loving his cat, this man was a well-respected human rights advocate.
Here beneath this pile of stones
Lies all that’s left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Black, not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
And from the stencil - after all kinds of badass magic involving chemicals, gorilla tape, and the aforementioned sandblasting...
Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second-fasted draw in
. Cripple Creek
Now, it’s only fair to point out that
Things like these neat garden rocks. Although I have to say, I have mixed feelings about the pairing of these two rocks. I embrace the “Whisp Of Smoke” philosophy of life - materialize out of nothing, do your beautiful thing, then vanish without a trace. So you can see how the combination of “peace” and “no smokin” is problematic for me.
Visited the planet Earth
December 11, 1931and January 19, 1990.
Jesus or ZigZag man? You decide.
Here rests Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
And she gets to drive a forklift.
Yep, pretty awesome job, if you ask me.
Here Lies Jane Ryan
Wife of Thomas Ryan
This Monument Erected
By Her Husband
As A Tribute
To Her Memory.
Monuments Of This Style
Are 250 Dollars.
But I’m most intrigued by the tombstones.
Look at this broken child’s tombstone.
Going! Going!! Gone!!!
(Along with being hilarious, all of the above-quoted epitaphs are real. Supposedly.)