So over the weekend I went to this restaurant called Eggheads in Fort Bragg
The story I heard was that when it opened back in 1976, it was owned and operated by a couple of gay gentlemen who had a thing for rainbows and Judy Garland - but not, apparently, for tasteful interior design. Which makes me believe that the story isn’t true. Because a true story would have been more consistent in its use of gay stereotypes.
The place is pretty cozy, though, and there’s a strong local vibe, leaning on weird. And the food is really good despite the fact that the menu items are called things like the “Flying Monkey” sandwich or the “Dorothy’s Revenge” special. Um, special, how, exactly?
So like I said, I was sitting there this weekend at the front window table with a view of main street, minding my own business, reading the paper. Yes, the paper. As in, the newspaper. Some of us still cling to the old traditions.
Anyhoo, the waitress comes up to me and holds a napkin up for me to see. It has ‘Quiznos’ written on it. "You're wanted on the phone," she says, waving the napkin at me.
"My name isn't Quiznos," I said. "I think that's a sandwich place."
"No, no!" she insists. "There's a man on the phone right now who says that there's a pretty, dark-haired woman sitting at the window table, and that I should give her a note that says 'Quiznos' on it because then she'd know exactly who was on the phone for her."
"You should tell him there's not even a Quiznos here in town..."
"You're missing the point. The guy on the phone means YOU. YOU'RE the pretty, dark-haired woman. Or maybe I'm missing the point. You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?"
"No. But it's nice that you think I'm pretty."
Excellent randomness... Although I was hoping that maybe I was the innocent bystander about to be swept into a world of car chases, double-agents, doomsday devices, and evil geniuses. Oh, well. There’s always next weekend.
And who was on the phone, you might ask?
The Operator, of course.
You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into Fort Bragg.... you're not in Kansas anymore.
ReplyDeleteLove that restaurant. I was thinking that maybe it was named for Humpty Dumpty, but that was Lewis Carrol not Frank Baum. Both were kind of obsessed with young girls, Carrol maybe more so.
ReplyDeleteI had breakfast with ex-radical-turned-right-wing David Horowitz (who had business on the Mendo coast) at Egghead's. Despite the vast difference in our politics, we have enough in common to enjoy a lively political discussion over a good breakfast. I think the other patrons around us were amused by the discussion.
But nobody has ever come to me with a telephone and a Quzno's napkin. I'm jealous!
Eric
I'm the jealous one, Eric! My lifelong goal is to make it onto Horowitz's 100 most dangerous professors list. Maybe you can put in a good word? Or bad word, as the case may be? Ken, while I was in Eggheads I followed the yellow brick road all the way to the end, but all I found was the ladies' room. Not in Kansas anymore indeed. What does it all mean?
ReplyDeleteHow do you know that was the end; maybe it was the beginning and you started at the end?
ReplyDeleteoh oh oh! the comments are almost as good as the post! Jendo, that is a hilarious post, made me snort and gasp (that's pretty good). Quizno.
ReplyDeletewe used to go to this restaurant when we went over to Fort Bragg for soccer games and tourneys. it was a good place to feed bottomless-pit boys, and they loved it too. I considered making a yellow brick road like theirs to our laundry room.
xoxo
PS: I forgot to tell you that yesterday I found a white spider like yours in my squashandmorningglories! Unfortunately I was too lazy to come in and get my camera. Maybe tomorrow?
ReplyDeleteI'm the jealous one, Eric! My lifelong goal is to make it onto Horowitz's 100 most dangerous professors list. Maybe you can put in a good word? Or bad word, as the case may be?
ReplyDeleteWell, you can claim to be a right winger turned liberal. When William Buckley protege Michael Lind made his leftward journey, Horowitz called for him to be blackballed by National Review. He's somewhat forgiving to me who has always been basically a leftist acquiring what I consider to be more nuanced views over the years while retaining a basically left view. But for a right winger who actually knew the light to abandon it? Not acceptable.
Here's a humorous account of both conversions.
http://www.suck.com/daily/1998/10/16/
On the other hand, for those of us who have experienced first hand the ravages of some of the more dogmatic elements of left orthodoxy, Radical Son is a good historical read if you can filter Horowitz' personal issues with some of the figures he writes about.
Eric
Good plan, Eric! First, I'll build my right-wing cred by waterboarding a spotted owl, then when they least expect it... BAM! I'll gay marry Janeane Garofolo. Yep, yep. That ought to do it. Brilliant advice, as always.
ReplyDeleteSwallowtail, I can't wait to see the pics of the white spider! I hope you can get a couple...
I'm really glad, by the way, that you mentioned how much you enjoy the comments here. I do, too! One of the things that's made me happiest about this blog is that people are participating in the conversation through the comments. And you're right - many are hilarious. Eric and Ken have both contributed some howlers. And you don't do too badly yourself in terms of handing out the giggles!
Hugs and thanks to you all. =]
That sounds like a fun place. However, I'm totally disappointed about the phone call. The operator?? Darn. I was all caught up in a misdirected message that might lead to a prince charming.
ReplyDeleteNot sure the operator should be a disappointment. After all we don't know what or who operator this was. Was this an operator at Quiznos? Perhaps there is an alternative universe where Quiznos is the name of the deity or the ruler, or.... Maybe there was an important message that was going to be transmitted during a momentary opening of a wormhole, but it got lost in a bad connection and now we will never know. Could have been the secret of life or a warning not to eat at Subways (like we need that!).
ReplyDeleteThe Quiznos thing weirds me out, but The Flying Monkey Potatoes never disappoint!
ReplyDeleteGood plan, Eric! First, I'll build my right-wing cred by waterboarding a spotted owl, then when they least expect it... BAM! I'll gay marry Janeane Garofolo. Yep, yep. That ought to do it. Brilliant advice, as always.
ReplyDeleteYou can start slow and gay-marry Ann Coulter first. I hear she's something of a hippie deep down.
http://kunsoo1024.wordpress.com/2006/06/27/ann-coulter-says-shes-a-deadhead/
You can serenade her.
http://kunsoo1024.wordpress.com/2008/05/17/ann-coulter-and-the-perfected-jew/
Eric
Eric, your hilarious links aside, the only thing that could possibly freak me out more than gay marrying Janeane Garofolo would be gay marrying Ann Coulter. Whoa. Dude. That woman has issues.
ReplyDeleteJennifer, you're absolutely right about Egghead's Flying Monkey potatoes. Piping hot after a morning surf session. Mmmmm.... Or after a morning of being a Betty, as the case may be. Still... MMmmm...
Anne, while I understand why you might be disappointed that it wasn't Prince Charming on the line, I think Ken makes some good points about The Operator. Although I have to admit that his comment makes me feel like I might have dropped the ball and maybe doomed the universe. Oh well. I'm sure I'll get it right next time.
Ken, you are The Wizard.
Scene One:
ReplyDeleteQuiznos: What are we going to do? The destruction of our universe is going to take place and I don't know how to stop it?
Dorthy: I have been reading mysterious electronic communications called jendocino, call me crazy, but it is obvious to me that she is the only one that can helps us and the 50 quadrillion galaxies in our space-time continuum.
Quiznos: Ok, get the operator, establish a link to the jendocino headquarters. Oh, heck, where is that?
Dorthy: A place called Eggheads. To make certain she takes the call, be sure to send her an intergalactic fax, just your name "Quiznos", it will arrive on a napkin, a sure sign in their culture that this is an important communication.
Quiznos: Well, OK, but I am concerned that we are going be taking a big chance on the pieces coming together just right, after all the wormhole allowing us to to do a trans-dimension communication happens only every 15,034,123 parsecs, and has to occur when she is actually at Eggheads. Shouldn't we also alert "The Wizard"?
Dorthy" I wouldn't, you have to be careful not to antagonize Ken, almost anything can enrage him. You should hear him rant about club cards at Safeway, Rite Aid and Longs. No, better chance it without him. It is true that his singular powers would be amazing in this, but I really think we are better not not taking the chance. Anyway, Jen will understand the message and leap into action. She is really our only hope.
Quiznos: Well you know best, get the operator to establish the connection.
Dorthy: I am right on it.
Operator: This is the operator, hello?...hello?..............hello?..................hello?.............................................................
followed by the loneliest dial tone ever.
Oh, man. Bummer.
ReplyDeleteJen, please don't encourage my father like that. Aspergers is no joke.
ReplyDeleteIf it's not a joke, then why is he so damn funny?
ReplyDeleteEric, your hilarious links aside, the only thing that could possibly freak me out more than gay marrying Janeane Garofolo would be gay marrying Ann Coulter. Whoa. Dude. That woman has issues.
ReplyDeleteThen there's Michelle Malkin. Temperamental, but I bet there's a great poet hiding under that facade!
Eric
What would Michelle Malkin poetry sound like, do you think? Angry, certainly. Shrill, without a doubt. But I bet you're right, Eric, and that there'd be a degree of tender vulnerability under that perpetual cyclone of rage.
ReplyDeleteScene 2, Part 1:
ReplyDeleteQuiznos: Well?
Operator: She just hung up.
Quiznos: Can you get her back on the line?
Operator: Sorry, that was our only chance.
Quiznos: Damn.
Quiznos looks at Dorothy who quails under his withering look.
Dorothy: Ummm, well…I thought….
Quiznos: You thought. Hmmph.
Tinman: We just got a communication from “The Wizard!
Quiznos: Yeah? I thought all lines of communication were down.
Scarecrow: They are, but he has some special abilities. The guy is amazing.
Quiznos: Well so what’s the deal?
Tinman: He’s really pissed. Seems he is not happy that you went to Jen instead of him. Scarecrow: Yeah, and we are concerned about his reaction.
Quiznos: What can he do for crying out loud? Our universe is about to implode.
Flying Monkey: That is just thing, he could have helped but now he is likely to only take action to protect his own universe.
Quiznos: So what is he planning to do?
Scarecrow: Well it seems that humans are outrunning the ability of their planet to restore itself.
Flying Monkey: And so he needs to slow them down.
Quiznos: How can he possibly do that?
Dorohy: Via “Facebook”.
Quiznos: What the heck is that?
Tinman: Something he created, ostensibly to allow humans to communicate with each other.
Flying Monkey: Like they weren’t already on the phone all the time anyway….
Tinman: Shut up monkey-boy, let me finish.
Scarecrow: No, no, let me tell it. So he created this thing “Facebook”, and like the idea is to get everyone on there all the time, and then they send each other these “iHeart” dealies, and--and like these have the ability to slow their hearts down, and everyone will move really really slow..
Scene 2, part 2:
ReplyDeleteTinman: …yeah, and since they are moving really slowly, they can only destroy the earth much more slowly, and the earth can keep up with them.
Quiznos: Holy cats, the dude is brilliant.
Dorothy: I did tell you to check with him also.
Quiznos: Shut up Dorothy. So what are the implications for us? How will this help save us?
Tinman: Well, it won’t.
Quiznos: So then what is the point of all this? Why are we talking about it?
Scarecrow: I don’t know, just seemed interesting at the time.
Tinman: Actually this explains a lot. It turns out that the slowness can be tuned to be retroactive. As revenge for the fact that we did not consult him, “The Wizard” therefore tried out the “iHeart” slowdown process on Jen first starting it just before our call to Jen. This slowed her reactions down to the point where she did not respond to “The Operator” quickly enough. And the rest is history, which by the way will probably be ending right about….
Slowed reactions, huh? That would explain a lot...
ReplyDelete