Forbidden Titties.

This post is about titties. If you are not a fan of titties, read no further. If, however, you are a fan of titties, pay attention. Lots to uncover. Heh.

These two statues reside at the head of the Great Hall in the Department of Justice building. The one on the right is called “The Spirit of Justice” and the one on the left is called “The Majesty of the Law.” These statues were constructed by C. Paul Jennewein in 1933.

In 2002, Attorney General John Ashcroft spent $8600 on draperies to cover the statues because the uber-conservative Ashcroft was uncomfortable being photographed in front of seventy-year-old art deco titties.

Warrantless wiretapping, yes. Gigantic aluminum titties, not so much.

I’m trying so hard right now not to make a “boob in front of boob” joke, it’s not even funny.

The expenditure of taxpayer dollars to cover up breasts on a statue prompted Claire Braz-Valentine to write her poem, “An Open Letter to John Ashcroft,” which she read at a benefit for survivors of breast cancer:

But while we’re begging the women of Afghanistan

to not cover up their faces

you are begging your staff members to

just cover up that nipple,

to save the American people

from that monstrous metal mammary.

So not only were we “spared” the sight of flag-draped coffins returning from Afghanistan, we were also spared the sight of a statue’s titty. At least I’m not the only one to see how skewed this is...

That guy in the middle is safe, but these women could have been detained by the authorities for protesting topless. If you’re a woman and you go out in public with your nipples exposed, you can be arrested. A man can parade down the streets of Anytown, USA, naked as a jaybird from the waist up, and no one will bat an eye. But anyone without a penis better not try this unless they want to spend some time in jail.

I don’t think men understand what a big, gigantic, huge deal it is to be able to walk around in public with your shirt off. They take it for granted, walking around with their beer bellies and moobs hanging out everywhere, not a care in the world.

But what I want to know is, why does this guy get to walk around in public like this, whereas if I did it, I would be the one arrested for indecent exposure?

And the Department of Justice “cover up” isn’t as ridiculous as the breast fetish gets in this country. What about breast feeding in public? Despite the fact that laws in most states protect the rights of breastfeeding women, mothers get harassed for feeding their infants in public every day. It’s hard for me to believe that in the 21^st century, human beings are still upset over the fact that titties are used to feed babies, but the evidence is there that this very natural and healthy act is still extremely upsetting for lots of people. Forbidding titties even to the babies who need them? Really, people?

And don’t get me wrong. If it were suddenly legal for women to walk around with their tops off, I probably wouldn’t do it because I’m too shy. And I’d be willing to bet that lots of women out there feel the same way.

Still, I do think women should have the right to go topless if they want to. Wrapping your chest in constricting elastic, wire, and itchy lace should not be compulsory, in my opinion - especially on a hot day at the beach. That’s why I admire the gals who protested all over North America a couple of weekends ago for a woman’s right to go topless in public. Not because I would do it, but because I’m tired of people making such a big deal about titties.

(Says the woman currently writing a blog post about titties.)

Here’s why: When we make titties forbidden, the result is that they become disproportionately desirable. Women would actually have a hard time walking around topless in public even if it were legal, because it’s likely that they’d be harassed by people who aren’t used to being exposed to so many titties. A case of titty overload, if you will.

But it might be worthwhile in the long term. Hear me out. When the average woman isn’t allowed to show her titties, then the only titties that are available for people to view are the plastic, airbrushed fake titties like those you see in Playboy magazine. Porn titties. As a result, people are taught to believe that Hugh Hefner’s version of the perfect titty is the only version of the perfect titty.

In limiting our exposure to only one type of titty, we lose out on the opportunity to develop a preference for titties of any different type.

We overlook the fact that there are all kinds of different titties out there that we might like, and instead fetishize the one kind of titty we are constantly exposed to.

This is the result, and it’s not pretty.

Women from a younger and younger age pay plastic surgeons to alter their bodies in radical ways in order to fit an arbitrary (and constantly fluctuating) standard of beauty. These women - and their titties - are constantly featured in the media, and because theirs are the only titties the public sees regularly, the problem perpetuates itself as more and more young girls alter their perfectly fine titties into cartoonish titties like the ones sported by the celebs. The plastic surgeons laugh all the way to the bank, then drink themselves stupid once they get home in order to dull the screams of their conscience for sacrificing the health of their patients to vanity. That is, presuming they have a conscience.

Here's the same girl in a "before" picture. What a disfigured monster. I'm so glad that modern surgical technology was able to save her from her horrible deformities.

On the bright side, rumor has it that this starlet, Heidi Montag, is distraught over her gianormous fake titties and the excruciating physical discomfort they have caused her, and she's going to go in for a procedure to have them scaled down. Other celebrities have done the same lately because the trend, apparently, is to have breasts that look more “normal.” In a recent casting call for the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Disney specified in the call sheet that they wanted “natural” looking women, and would not consider any actresses with fake titties.

However, when it comes to all things titties, the world must bow down in deference to the French. And in France, where going topless on beaches has be a non-issue for years, bikini tops are now all the rage among the younger set. Why? It’s simply no longer in style to go topless. Talk about coming full circle. I only want for Americans what the French already have - that is, complete titty indifference.

So, my hat is off to the French. But not my top. Not yet, anyway.